That would be nothing, because I still had to marry someone, eventually. But to be honest, I’m a more sensitive nature and I always dream of either Menelaus coming across time to retrieve his wife, or Zeus hitting my head with his lightning bolt that he used to punish those who broke the divine laws, for desecrating his daughter.
How to Have Sex With Helen of Troy
Copyright Notice: by Sergiu Somesan. All rights reserved.
The above information forms this copyright notice:
How to have sex with Helen of Troy? To that question, I thought I was the only person in the world who could answer, even though the answer was there for all to see. Besides, eventually I found out from her that I wasn’t the only one who knew this secret. On the other hand, I should warn you: be careful what you wish for, because sometimes life gives you a lot of things, and the most beautiful dreams turn into nightmares.
But to appease your curiosity, let me start from the beginning.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a dreamer, and I’ve always had dreams that everyone thought were unrealistic. Most of them were, but some, with some little effort on my part, were perfectly possible.
In short, in order to have sex with Helen of Troy you had to have ten thousand dollars and be 18! The first condition was relatively easy to fulfill, even if I had to walk all the dogs in the neighborhood since I was 15, for a fee of course, and mow the lawn of those who were too lazy to do it. And that’s how I saved dollar after dollar and had my ten thousand dollars long before I turned 18.
Coming of age turned out to be harder than I thought, because time had its own rhythm and I found no way to rush it. In anticipation of the happy day, I papered my bedroom walls with pictures of Helen of Troy (they were actually pictures of Diane Kruger, the actress who played Helen in the movie of the same name) and night after night I fell asleep with her in my eyes. Sometimes, but rarely, it would cross my mind that the real Helen might not look anything like Diane Kruger, but I told myself that since Paris kidnapped her and an entire war was fought over her, she couldn’t be too ugly after all.
Oh, and one more little detail: to carry out your plan, you need to go on the Dark Web and find a company that specializes in organizing time travel tours. You’ll see that there are plenty of them, but you need to find one that has somewhere within the offerings a little detail that may escape a fleeting glance. It has to be specified that the trips are with completion and this, as a friend whispered to me, refers to the fact that you can pick a famous woman from history and have sex with her. How exactly that happens? My friend couldn’t tell me, but he swore it’s true.
In our little town there were about seven companies that organized time trips, but only one of them specified at the end of the advertisement that they also organized trips with completion and specified the two conditions necessary for such time trips: the candidate must be 18 years old and have ten thousand dollars. The other companies were organizing trips for as little as a thousand dollars, so I realized that this company was the one I was looking for.
So, the day after I turned 18, with my driver’s license in one hand and ten thousand dollars in the other (actually the money was in my pocket, but it sounds more interesting that way), I showed up at the Retro Voyages office.
I was a little ashamed, but I pushed myself forward, ready at any moment to say that I had the wrong building and turn back. Luckily for me there was a nice young lady in the front office of the company who as soon as she saw me coming in, she met me and said, “Hi, I’m Olivia and I will be your host if you would like to use our services.”
She smiled warmly and added, “But in order for us to move forward, a few little formalities have to be completed, and the first is to put your phone here in this safe and I’ll scan you to see that you don’t have anything special on you. Is that okay with you?”
I was too shy and afraid that my voice would be too hoarse if I answered, so I just nodded my head in agreement.
After I put the phone in the safe, she scanned me with a tiny device that to my relief didn’t scream at the fancy watch I was holding, then with the same kind smile she motioned me to a comfortable armchair and she sat down in another one, right next to me.
“The second formality,” she said, “would be to show me an ID proving that you are 18, because, excuse me, but you look very young.”
I took my driver’s license out of my pocket and gave it to her. She scanned it with his phone and must have somehow verified that it was original, because she nodded approvingly.
She then gave it back to me and said, “Nice to meet you, Thomas Reed. I hope you read on our page that for such a trip, you have to pay ten thousand dollars in cash.”
I shook my head without saying anything and took the ten thousand dollars from my jacket pocket and handed it to her.
She took them, counted them and got up and put them in a drawer in the reception desk.
“As you realize, we can’t give you any receipts, but I can assure you that you will be entirely satisfied with our services.”
I straightened my voice, and for the first time, I had the courage to speak.
“A good friend of mine told me that I can pick a woman from the past and travel back in time until I meet her and then have sex with her. Is that true?”
Her smile grew brighter, and a little amused, and she seemed to enjoy discussing the subject. Now I think the shyer the sex solicitor was, her pleasure was as greater.
“It’s exactly as your friend has told you, and I’m here to answer all your questions and concerns. Do you have any such questions?”
“Yes, I’d like to know if I go back in time and meet the woman I want, how do I know she will want to have sex with me?”
She pulled out from the drawer where she had put the money on a bracelet that had a device the size of an oversized watch attached to it and showed it to me.
“On this bracelet that you will wear the whole time you are traveling in the past there is a green button that if you press while this device is pointed at a woman, this woman will fall fatally in love with you and for 24 hours during the trip she will be at your service and will be delighted to have sex and anything else you want with you.”
I smiled for the first time since I walked in there.
“I could use a bracelet like that in my everyday life. Do you have any for sale?”
She sobbed slightly because I probably wasn’t the only one who asked her this question and she answered me amused, “Unfortunately, such bracelets are only for time travel and do not work in our time. From the factory, they only activate after the time travel begins and its effect is only for 24 hours.”
I looked around at the posters of beautiful women hanging on the walls of the office but Helen of Troy, at least the way I thought she should look, I didn’t see so I asked, “How do I know which woman I can choose for this time travel? Can I choose any woman, or is there any restriction?”
She probably had to answer that question many times because she answered too quickly.
“There are only three women throughout history who are completely inaccessible to you. In fact, one of the three might finally be accessible after the fulfillment of a small and painful condition.
She pointed to a young girl on a poster who looked rather like a child and said, “The first of the bans refers to the Virgin Mary, and I think you realize why. Plus, if the Catholics were to find out that we had such a thing on offer, within 24 hours, there would be no stone left on our premises.”
I nodded that I understood, and she continued pointing to another poster.
“The second ban concerns Joan of Arc, France’s emblematic maiden. We are quite close to New Orleans, so all the French in the city would come to burn us at the stake, just like happened eventually with Joan of Arc. I think you realize that and you’ll get over it.”
I looked at the girl on the poster and decided she wasn’t my type anyway, so I asked, “And the third ban refers to whom?”
The posters on the walls were actually high-resolution monitors, and with the help of a remote control, she made a young but rather common woman appear in Joan of Arc’s place. This one would not have tempted me in any way.
“This is Eva!” Olivia introduced her.
Seeing that I rolled my eyes, she said, “Adam’s pair in Eden.”
I started stuttering: “But well, I thought Eve was just a myth, a biblical legend, and nothing more.”
“As you can see, she’s as real as real can be and after all the time she spent in Eden with Adam and the snake, I don’t think you’ll even need our bracelet to whet her sexual appetite.”
“Well, okay, but you said I’m banned from her. Not that I’m interested.”
Olivia sighed, puzzled, but eventually explained why.
“Anyone who wants to travel back in time and have sex with Eve must first have a total and permanent vasectomy. The reason is more complex, but our specialists have explained to me that they don’t want to mess up the genealogy of mankind from the very beginning. That’s why we had to take this precautionary measure because at some point there were people who wanted to have sex with Eve just to make her pregnant and make them feel that they were the founders of mankind. And that’s also why we don’t trust that such exalted people would use a condom when having sex with Eve.”
I looked around at the posters-monitors and saw only beautiful women but no names underneath them to figure out who they really were, so I asked:
“Okay, and how did you get hold of these pictures because I see you’ve compiled a real catalog?”
“Well, we had been operating for a couple years, so we sent drones back in time to photograph the most famous women. We actually have a whole catalog and if someone wants to have sex with a woman who is not in our catalog, for a pretty small additional fee, only a couple hundred dollars, we can send a drone back in time to photograph the woman of his dreams. You know the saying: our client, our master, but still only up to a point.”
She wiped all the women off the monitors with a gesture and asked me, “But we’ve talked enough about generalities, so why don’t we talk about something concrete? Who do you want to have sex with?”
At such a direct question I blushed involuntarily but finally said softly: “With Helen of Troy.”
There was no reaction on Olivia’s face, and she just handled something on her remote control, and all the monitors were filled with the image of Helen in different poses and looking exactly as I imagined her.
I studied them carefully and saw that most of them were close-ups. She was indeed a gorgeous woman and looked strikingly like Diane Kruger.
“She’s a lot like Diane Kruger in the movie Troy,” I couldn’t help it.
Olivia just shook her head.
“Perhaps the producers of the movie wanted the actress who plays Helen to look as much as the original as possible,” she said.
I closed my eyes and tried to remember.
“They made the movie Troy over 30 years ago in 2004, before the discovery of time travel.”
“We didn’t know whether time travel had been discovered, but in fact it is suspected that people had long ago learned to do such journeys, only they kept it secret. Only governments and certain corporations who paid enough money for it had access to it.”
There was another question that was nagging at me: wasn’t it all just a complex game with my brain? Wasn’t this company able to implant false memories of a trip that would only exist in my mind and for which I would pay ten thousand dollars?
I told Olivia about my suspicions, and she pointed to the bracelet she was holding.
“We can’t let you travel with your phone to take pictures, but this bracelet has a tiny built-in camera that allows you to take as many pictures as you want. If you have time to do that around a woman as beautiful as Helen.”
She opened a door that could barely be seen because it was masked in the wall and after calling another girl to take her place at the reception desk, she said, “Let’s go this way!”
She showed me a locker like the ones we had at the gym.
“Get undressed and follow me to the launch room!”
I was expecting her to give me some vintage clothes, but it turned out I was going to make the trip naked, so after undressing, I followed her into what she said was the launch chamber of the temporal generator.
She motioned for me to lie on my back on a support similar to the one I encountered when I went for a CT scan, took the watch from my hand and clipped the bracelet in its place, then added, “This bracelet has a lot of functions. Among other things, five minutes before the 24-hour deadline, a flashing red light will light up on it and it will buzz loud enough to attract your attention with an intermittent beeping sound. At this point, you will have to put down whatever object from the past you are holding and stop touching any living thing. An automatic process will extract you from the past and bring you into the present with whatever you’re touching at that moment, so try to be alone or else a lot of mess will follow. At the same time, you’ll have to press this big button on the bracelet while it’s pointed at Helen, so all memories of your visit to her will automatically be erased from her mind.”
“I understand,” I said. “But I still have a question.”
She just signaled me to speak, so I asked, “Yet how am I to get along with Helen? As far as I’ve studied the matter, Helen was Greek, but I don’t know ancient Greek any more than I know modern Greek.”
“I’m sorry. I thought I already told you. The bracelet will still get you out of trouble because it has a built-in universal translator. Anything that’s spoken around you will be translated directly into English, and you’ll hear it right in your ears. You don’t need headphones for this because it’ll be transmitted directly into your auditory nerves. Similarly, everything you speak will be translated into the language of the people you’re talking to. It’s too complex a process to explain right now, but it definitely works.”
She called a technician and then asked me, “When do you want to see Helen of Troy? I recommend you go sometime at the beginning of the Trojan War, when Helen was 22 and at the height of her beauty. The war had already been going on for a year. All the men were on the battlements defending the fortress, and Helen was isolated in her chambers. She was already bored because she couldn’t get out because the people in the city didn’t love her very much because Troy was going through a long siege and a hard war because of her. Even Paris didn’t have the time to visit as often as she would have liked, because he was also fighting along with his men.”
“Okay, let’s make it the first year of the war then,” I said, and the technician was adjusting something on the console next to the support I was lying on. “Before I leave, I’d like to ask if Helen has been visited by many people from the present?”
Olivia shrugged and said, “That information is confidential, but after exchanging glances with the technician, I realized that I was not the first, and probably won’t be the last.”
She pressed a button and the stand I was on started to move.
“In three minutes, you’ll be in Helen’s arms, so get ready!”
The bracket slid into a metal cylinder quite similar to the MRI one, and I thought again that the whole thing might be a sophisticated hoax. Sophisticated but expensive, and I was hoping that after all this I would at least get a proper MRI scan.
It got dark in the cylinder, then a flashing blue light came on and I heard a loud buzzing sound that stopped after a few moments, followed by a slight jolt, and I ended up in Helen’s bedroom.
In the City of Troy
It was definitely Helen because I recognized her from the many photos I saw her in. With her in the room was another young girl who let out a high-pitched scream and put her hand to her mouth in fright.
Helen didn’t seem at all impressed by my appearance and calmly told the girl, “Kalissya get out of the bedroom and don’t let anyone in until I tell you. Lie on the threshold, hold the dagger I gave you in your hand, and don’t let anyone in. You answer for this with your head, Kalissya.”
“I understand, my princess!” said the girl obediently and walked with small steps towards the exit, then left the room, carefully closing the door behind her. I realized that the translator built into the bracelet was working perfectly because I understood everything Helen said to the girl.
Helen then turned to me and measured me with her eyes, from head to toe. Indeed, Helen was beautiful, but she had a cold stare and for a moment, I felt like an insect under a naturalist’s magnifying glass.
“Yeah,” she finally said. “I have been visited by better specimens than you but that’s it! I’ve been waiting for you for a long time, anyway.”
I was surprised by her words. “What do you mean she had been expecting me for a long time? I asked her that because I wanted to see if she understood what I was saying, anyway.
“What do you mean you’ve been waiting a long time? Did you know I was coming?”
She seemed to understand perfectly what I said because she just shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I didn’t know you were coming in person and I didn’t know what you looked like, but I knew someone had to come. From time to time I’m visited by men from the future who can only stay with me for a day and a night and want nothing more than to have sex with me. You’re the seventh man and I must say you look the youngest. How old are you?”
“18,” I answered quickly. “I turned 18 yesterday.”
“A child then,” she said and seemed a little disappointed as she looked down at my penis withdrawn like a snail inside me because of this strange interplay, which she must have found boring.
“A child who doesn’t even have a well-developed dick. Let’s hope we’ll manage, though,” she said in a skeptical voice.
“Well, it’s asleep now,” I tried to excuse myself. “And it doesn’t really know what to expect because I’ve never had sex before. I wanted you to be the first woman I ever had sex with.”
She started laughing merrily.
“So not only are you a child, you’re a virgin on top of it. And when you go back to the future or wherever you’re from, you’ll brag to all your friends ‘Helen of Troy made me a man’, because I heard that’s what they call me in your time.”
She was beautiful, but her manner made me feel uncomfortable, especially since she knew the purpose of my coming to Troy. This was clear proof that the six who had visited before me had not pressed the memory delete button. Retro Voyages should have provided some sort of automatic activation of the memory erase button, because some of those who had visited were probably proud enough not to activate it to keep Helen’s memories of them alive.
“Let me turn the hourglass, so at least I’ll know when it’s time for you to return to your world.”
She turned over a glass hourglass filled with golden sand, from which the grains of sand began to drip, reminding me that the time I would spend with her was relentlessly running out.
Looking at that hourglass, I remembered that I didn’t activate the bracelet to make Helen want me, and when she saw that I was taking my right hand to the bracelet she said:
“The people before you have explained to me what this bracelet is for, but believe me, it’s not something you should bother using.”
She sighed and continued, “As rarely as I’ve been having sex lately, I’d rather have sex even with an old man of the age of Olympus or just an 18-year-old. Come closer!”
I took a few steps toward her as she began to undress. By the time I got next to her, she was completely naked and even though I was too close to get a full view, I could still see that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. In reality, I had never actually seen a naked woman near me, but the internet was full of gorgeous naked women, so I had something to compare her to.
Seeing that I was as stiff as a statue, she sighed and said, “Ah, you’re a true beginner. Looks like I’ll have to take the initiative.” She showed me the large bed next to us.
Slowly, I sat back down, and she stood next to me, gently caressing and kissing me, until my flaccid penis began to come to life in her delicate hands. Once it was fully erect, she stepped back a little to get a better look at it and exclaimed in delight, “Well, now we’re talking. I can see it’s looking better: let’s hurry up then because a day and a night go by very quickly, especially when you do nice things.”
I sensed she was indeed eager because she climbed on top of me, spread her legs and with a few circular motions found the entrance to her vagina and I penetrated her, actually to be fair, she penetrated herself. The pleasure was so intense I thought I was going to faint with delight. She was still kissing me and skillfully moving faster and faster so that sooner than I would have liked, I orgasmed and ejaculated inside her.
She felt that. I think she also felt my penis getting smaller, but she didn’t get off me but said menacingly, “Don’t think you’re getting off that easy. You’re young, so give your best shot!”
She moved on top of me as if she was a huge, marvelous vagina trying to absorb me fully inside her. Eventually, the youth had its say and my cock became erect again, even if it wasn’t as strong as before.
Helen didn’t seem to care too much because she was moving frantically on top of me and eventually she came too. She started letting out such loud screams that Kalissya opened the door and poked her head in worriedly. Helen only saw her out of the corner of her eye and waved her out because she had nothing to worry about.
Apparently, her orgasm had made her completely soft because she lay on top of me as if she was unable to move.
She thought I wanted to extract myself from her because she told me in a soft voice, “Please stay inside me. It feels so good.”
I lay back and finally Helen extracted herself from my now flaccid penis, kissed it briefly and went to a cupboard in the corner of the bedroom. She returned to me with a vial and a cup into which she put a few drops. She then took a silver teapot from the table beside the bed, filled the mug, and held it out to me.
“Drink,” she said to me, and her voice seemed to become more melodious and appealing. “Those who were here before you told me all about the times they came from. They told me there’s some kind of blue pills that give vigor to men. We have no such thing, but we do have certain magic potions that give men the vigor of a bull.”
I drank the bittersweet tea and Helen continued, “Even Paris, when he comes back tired from fighting on the ramparts, gets a few drops of this potion.”
After I drank all the tea, she took the mug from my hand and put it on the bedside table and said, “Unfortunately, lately he doesn’t have much time to come, and when he does, he is worried and preoccupied, so my luck is with these visits that I receive from the future.”
She pointed to the bracelet on my wrist and asked, “I know if you push that red button, I’ll forget all about your visit. You want that?”
I hesitated before answering, but finally I did. “I don’t really feel like pressing it. Of course, I wish you could keep me in your memory and remember me as imperfect as I am.”
She smiled sweetly.
“So the other six before you told me. They didn’t push the button because they wanted the beautiful Helen of Troy to keep them in her memory. But who knows how many have actually passed through my bed? Some may have been afraid of the consequences and what Retro Voyages might do to them and pressed the button, anyway.”
I wanted to ask how she knew about Retro Voyages, though the answer seemed pretty obvious to me, so I gave up: some of the six who were in Helen’s bed had been talking also and not just having sex continuously day and night.
I don’t know if it was from the elixir Helen gave me or just because I was young, and I liked her, but in a few minutes my penis became erect again under her caresses and kisses.
This time she stretched lasciviously on her back, spread her legs and said as she pulled me on top of her, “Now it’s your turn to show what you can do!”
More guided by instinct, also led by her hand, I finally managed to penetrate her and I began to move inside her overwhelmed by the pleasure I felt both from the sex itself and the thought that this sex was with Helen of Troy, the woman of my dreams.
Something must have been wrong with the way I was moving because, with a sudden movement, she turned me around and went on top of me again, and that’s how I deduced that this was her favorite position.
She started to move frantically on top of me again and this time I could notice her better because she had lifted her torso up exposing to my hungry eyes the most beautiful breasts I could imagine.
Her hair was gorgeous and waving in all directions as if she was in the wind, even though there was no air flow in the bedroom. This time I managed to keep myself more erect and, from her increasingly precipitous movements, I realized that she was going to climax soon. As usual, she let out the same scream that made the room I was in echo and although I expected her maid to stick her head through the door again, she must have expected that because she didn’t come in.
She stayed on top of me for a few more minutes but finally extracted herself from me and sat next to me, legs spread, in a position that I thought was slightly impudent, but it seems she was not really caring what I thought.
As she caressed me, she began what could pass for a real interrogation about the time I lived in. She knew a lot, because she had probably questioned the others who had passed through her bed and “forgot” to press the button that erased the memories, but she still wanted me to give her details about things she didn’t quite understand. In particular, she wanted to know about how movies were made and how women in movies became famous and were admired by millions of men.
“I would love to become as famous as a movie star of your time and not have to live in this miserable city, but it’s obvious that this is my fate. It would have been so much better if at least I hadn’t known about the luxuries and beauties of your world. I could have endured the misery in which I live, undisturbed.”
She brought me another cup of tea with the elixir in it and we continued to talk and tease me until her medicine kicked in. We started having sex again, me on top and her on top, and then I lost track of time altogether. I think I even fell asleep for a bit but even in my sleep I was dreaming of having sex with Helen or maybe I was because in the few moments when I woke up from my restless sleep, Helen was on top of me trying to extract the last shred of sexual pleasure from me. Somehow, I felt like a sex object being used by a beautiful nymphomaniac, but to be honest, I didn’t care about that as long as the one using me was Helen of Troy, daughter of Zeus.
I don’t know how the 24 hours passed, but I remember that at some point my eyes fell on the hourglass in which there were only a few grains of sand.
Helen caught my gaze and said with regret, “Yes, it looks like we’ll have to part soon, but I’d like to do it again.”
I looked at my flaccid penis and showed it to her, but she only smiled and brought the bottle of elixir.
“This time we don’t dilute it with tea to make it work faster.”
She put the bottle to my mouth and forced me to drink all the bitter liquid in it. While I was shaking off the bitterness of the liquid, she called Kalissya and the girl came into the room with sleep-clouded eyes.
“Kalissya, did someone come looking for me while you were asleep at the door?”
“Only Paris, my princess, but I told him you weren’t feeling well, so he left.”
“Very well, my dear. Now let down your hair and put on my clothes! From now on, you will be Princess Helen if my plan succeeds. Then bring me the scroll.”
Kalissya brought her a small scroll, no bigger than the palm of her hand, and after handing it to her, she began to let her hair unraveled. To my astonishment, she now resembled so much with Helen, which worried me, although I wasn’t sure why.
Helen clutched the parchment in her left hand and I was puzzled but also a little worried about her behavior because whatever plan she had, I was definitely included in it.
While such thoughts were troubling me, the bracelet on my hand turned on its red-light bulb, which began to flicker more and more often as a warning buzzing sound was heard from it.
“I guess I should get ready to leave,” I said with sincere regret, but Helen shook her head resolutely and pointed to my penis, which had gotten into a wonder erection after the concentrated elixir Helen poured down my throat.
“I think we still have time for a quick game,” she said and suddenly climbed on top of me.
She penetrated herself again and as the buzzing of the bracelet turned into a shrill screech that became sharper and more frequent, I remembered that Helen usually didn’t orgasm until she had been moving on top of me for at least half an hour.
I wanted to pull her aside and extract myself from her, aware of the advice of Retro Voyages, but I couldn’t because although she looked flimsy at first glance, Helen was stronger than she looked, and she was clutching me with all her strength. The screaming of the bracelet finally stopped. I felt a jolt and found myself in the cylinder, illuminated by the blue flickering of a led at the end of the cylinder. On top of me was Helen, who had leaned over me to fit better. The stand we were on began to slide out of the cylinder and when I got out and had more room, Helen lifted her torso above me again and began to move frantically, as she usually did before she finished and climaxed.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Olivia put her hand to her mouth in astonishment, her frown mirroring that of the two equally astonished technicians beside her.
Finally, just as Helen let out the liberating scream announcing to the world that she had climaxed, Olivia approached an intercom and, after pressing a button, said in a hurried voice, “Mr. Director, please come urgently to the launch room.”
Meanwhile, Helen pulled out of me and nonchalantly pointed to my bracelet and then to her arm.
Olivia knew what it was because she told one of the two technicians, “Please bring some bracelets so we can deal with this girl.” To the other she said, “And you look for some clothes for her and make sure no one finds out what’s going on here or we’ll all have to look for a new job tomorrow.”
Things then began to move quickly. First came the man sent for clothes with a blue robe that probably belonged to a cleaning lady and a pair of jeans pants. I got dressed as quickly as I could and then the man who I think was the director of the company appeared, a skinny, balding man with a pair of glasses with many diopters.
Big Problems
The one sent for the bracelets arrived and distributed them to everyone in the hall, starting with Helen.
“Can someone explain to me what is going on here?” asked the director in an irritated voice.
Olivia pointed at me and said, “Mr. Thomas Reed came here and requested a category B time travel to meet Helen of Troy.” She pointed at Helen. “He paid the appropriate fee, was instructed and everything went perfectly, but on the way back, they both arrived here.”
The director turned angrily to me.
“Wasn’t it explained to you clearly enough that when the bracelet jingles, you must put all objects out of your hand and stop touching any living being?”
“Yes, Mr. Director, it was clearly explained to him, but the two of them got here during a sexual act. Helen must have suspected that this was a way into our present, and I believe she initiated a sexual act just before the time transfer started. By the time she got here, she was really tied to our customer.”
The director looked at me, looked at Helen and then snorted, “Let’s all go to the boardroom. And the whole thing must remain secret. Only the five of us…whatever,” he pointed to Helen, “the six of us need to know about this story.”
He waved to a technician. “You go ahead and make sure we don’t run into anybody. If you see any employee, tell them to go into their office and stay there until they’re called.”
The technician went ahead, and we followed in a single file after him. We didn’t meet anyone until we reached the boardroom, a cozy room with a table in the middle and a few chairs around it.
Helen, aware of her importance—after all she was a princess—, sat at the head of the table while all the others instinctively sat as far away from her as possible, as if they wanted to distance themselves from her and from what was to be discussed.
“The bottom line is that we have a problem,” the director said firmly.
He pointed to Helen and said, “The only reasonable way to solve it is to send Miss Helen back to her own time.”
Helen just smiled, then after weighing her words, she said, “You will have to find another solution because I do not agree with this one.”
She gestured broadly towards the room we were in.
“After seeing how much luxury and cleanliness there is in your time, why do you think I would want to go back to that pigsty that you admire so much and call it the city of Troy? Be my guests, you go there and suffer the privations of the city. Even I, who am a princess, bathed once a week and the other inhabitants of Troy were given food and water by the portion and hated me to death because of it. No matter how much I like to have sex, some professor who visited me said that at the end of the war I was taken as spoils of war and raped by a bunch of Greek heroes as punishment for my role in the war. No, I’m not going back there!” she concluded resolutely.
The director frowned at her. “I’m afraid you won’t have a choice. You don’t belong at this time, and the third party that got you here won’t do you any good. We’ll send you back and that’s that!”
Helen’s smile deepened. “You won’t send me for at least two reasons.”
She held up a finger and after convincing herself that everyone was paying attention, she continued, “First of all, if against my will you somehow manage to send me back to Troy, I will make sure that all your current history will be turned upside down.”
“I don’t see how you could do that!” said the director arrogantly.
“I’ll make it very simple. One of the men you sent to my bed was a historian. He was so interested in the history of Troy he even forgot to have sex with me. He only did that once, and that was more out of obligation, because otherwise he told me the history of the Trojan War and I found out how the Greeks would defeat Troy after ten years of war. So, if I am still in Troy, when the horse built by Ulysses reaches the city, I will pour a few amphorae of olive oil on the horse with my own hand and set it on fire. And when the Greeks on the horse catch fire and are forced to flee, the Trojans’ trust in me will grow. On the other hand your history teacher, looking at events in perspective, has given me some very good ideas as to what alliances could be made with the surrounding peoples and where the city could get its water and food. The Greeks will be defeated, and maybe even get an invasion if they I convince the Trojans to attack.”
There was a heavy silence in the council hall and everyone present was thinking about Helen’s words.
“But that’s not all,” Helen continued. “I will make many watertight clay urns to make sure they stand the test of time, and in them I will place gold plates on which I will have master engravers tell my story. I will place them in the places where Schliemann, as I think was called in your time the one who discovered Troy, will search for Troy thousands of years from my time. And on those gold plates, I will tell how Retro Voyages took money from men who were then sent in my time to rape me.”
“Wait a minute,” the director interrupted. “I thought you said you liked having sex.”
“Yes, I do like to have sex. One of the men who stopped by was a doctor and said that I might be a nymphomaniac, a disease that is currently treatable. Only I like being a nymphomaniac and I don’t want to be treated, but I want to choose the men I have sex with and not you. I only know of six men who have passed through my bed and with him—she pointed to me—, seven, but who knows how many others have passed by my bed and rode me without me remembering.”
She pointed accusingly at the director. “My wide, roomy bed is very sturdy because it’s made of cedar wood, but I still had to repair it twice in one year. Why is that, Mr. Director?”
There was a heavy silence in the boardroom, finally broken by the director.
“Okay, I get it. We’ll try to keep you in the present time, but there will still be problems when your absence from Troy is noticed. Without you there, history will take a different course, anyway.”
“I have taken measures to prevent that from happening,” Helen said. “For a year now, I have chosen Kalissya, a girl who looks very much like me, as my servant. Now she is combed like me, will wear my clothes and act exactly like me. She is a simple peasant girl from near Troy, so she will be very happy to play the part of a princess and no one will notice my absence. I have instructed her to take my place after my departure so no one will notice the difference because often the clothes make the person.”
“Do you think she’s going to be okay?” Olivia chimed in. “People talk about you being the daughter of a god. The legends say you’re the daughter of Zeus.”
“Daughter of Zeus,” Helen snorted scornfully. “In those days, husbands were always away at war for long periods of time and when they returned to find their wives pregnant, what better explanation could the adulterous wife come up with than that it was a visiting god? And that’s how they used to solve the problem of bastard children in my day. But how will you deal with me? Have you thought of a solution, or do I have to offer you one?”
We were all left staring at the most beautiful woman on Earth because of whom a long war had broken out and who was now ready to turn our history as we knew it upside down.
“I think I know how we can solve the problem,” one of the technicians finally said. “I have a friend who could take care of an identity for Miss Helen, only it’s going to cost quite a lot.”
“The money part is taken care of,” the director quickly said.
“And there would be one more small problem,” the technician added, and once he was convinced that everyone was watching him attentively, added, “My friend told me that if he ever had to ‘make’ an identity from scratch for a woman, the safest thing for her would be to get married and by changing her name after her husband’s name, all traces are lost.”
This time, everyone, including Helen, stared at me. I felt somehow guilty because, even if unintentionally, I was somehow the “vehicle” that Helen used to reach our times.
When the tension in the room became unbearable, I threw my hands up as if surrendering and said disarmed, “Okay, okay, I get the point so I’ll sacrifice myself and marry her.”
Everybody in the room breathed a sigh of relief and Helen came and sat in my arms and by the way she was quivering with happiness, I thought she wanted to initiate a new sexual game with me right there on the table.
I pushed her aside and stood up.
“Only there will be some minor problems. My parents are very religious and I don’t think they would welcome me and Helen into their home even if we were married. They are strict and I think they already have their plans for a future marriage alliance. So I wonder where will we live as newlyweds?”
The director waved his hand nonchalantly and said, “I know that there will be a lot of expenses and no doubt the company will cover them all from the reserve fund. We’ll buy you a house. We’ll bear all the costs involved in Helen’s schooling, so you shouldn’t worry. The important thing is to solve the problem and keep it a secret.”
Then days followed and weeks of problems that we finally had to solve. My parents disowned me, Helen has enrolled in English classes and is watching more and more Diane Kruger movies and asks me every time:
“What does she have that I don’t? I think I’m prettier than her and then, after all, I’m the original and she’s just a copy.”
I prefer not to answer, because I know how such a discussion would end, so I want to warn you like I have been trying to do since the very first words: be careful what you wish for because you might get it.
I just wanted to have sex with Helen and that’s how I ended up married to her.
That would be nothing, because I still had to marry someone, eventually. But to be honest, I’m a more sensitive nature and I always dream of either Menelaus coming across time to retrieve his wife, or Zeus hitting my head with his lightning bolt that he used to punish those who broke the divine laws, for desecrating his daughter.