| 2017-08-31 17:40:24 |
My First Attempt
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Hey. I enjoyed it a bit. You could start by separating the characters speaking roles. I've noticed you would put one or two more in the same paragraph. That gets people confused a bit. And you didn't really describe what went on. I know they had sex in the bathroom then came back out. I got lost cause you mentioned the waitress coming over. You could have said "later on that night" then start the conversation in the car. I thought they were still in the restraunt. And you put (Make/Females) when it was just one girl. But besides those errors I enjoyed the story |