| 2010-08-22 01:24:42 |
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It feels like the dialogue was not well typed, or that English is not your first language. But mainly it was like you were missing words in places.
You also used the word bum a lot, i understand, seeing that it says that you're from the UK, but i think you should try to use different meaning instead of that. I also noted that you used 2 in place of the word two.
well besides that i will still continue reading seeing how this seems to be a good story, i just hop that the other chapters aren't as chopped as this one.
B!G |
| 2010-08-22 02:24:50 |
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The last 4 chapters was not as bad as the first 1 when it came to to the words but instead the chapters got shorter....
But there was one thing that was missing that annoyed me, and that was the time that went by in the story. I can only assume that its been almost 2 years since he moved in because of the ages that you said the girls at currently at. Also in chapter 2 all of a sudden it was a year later and the was no mention of that in the beginning. And in chapter 5 the younger daughter was 11, last i knew she was 9 while the older one was 12, now shes 11 while katie is 13, that does not fit.
Another thing bothered me, and that was how easy it was to seduce him into have sexual relations with katie. I the reason it seemed so easy to me was because you didn't really write what was going threw his mind as much as i would like, which brings me to my next part of my CRITICISM if you will, and that is that there was not enough description/detail during the sex scenes.
continue next |
| 2010-08-22 02:41:10 |
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(continue from above)
(sorry about double post it logged me out for some reason and re-posted it)
During the sex scenes i would to know what faces are being made, what noises are being said, what is the body doing during, i want to know if names are being called, i want to know if she biting her lip as to not make to much noise, i want to know if her hands are grabbing on to the sheets or his neck or his shoulders or his ass, i also want to know what he is saying and doing during the sec scenes. Now you do add some of that detail but just the bare minimum, so much so it seems as tho that she just lays there and doesn't move while he just humps away until he is finished. Again i want to see some more time of him and sarah, even more so there sex scenes, which brings me to my next part.
There was no mention of how close him and sarah was until he proposed, that had me going WTF WHEN DID THEY FALL IN LOVE, It was like you just kept skipping parts.
(continue to next post)... |
| 2010-08-22 02:56:22 |
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(continue from last post)...
What i think you should do is re-edit all the chapters into one big post. You know add in everything that's missing, maybe throw in some extra scenes, so you know to really help us get a feel for the characters.
Now i know it sounds like I'm being a little selfish or trying to hard to sound like i know what I'm talking about, but the reason I'm saying all this is because i really wanna see more from you. Either a different story or more of this one.
I hope to see more from you, and i will check back to see if you added any more story's.
B!G.
P.S: There was not that much detail on what the girls looked like such height, weight, color of hair ect. So that's definitely one of the reasons i would love to see you re-post this story. |
| 2010-08-22 03:00:42 |
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I love how in my last three post of my going on about you that i made so many mistakes while writing lol. But then again i was not making a story with the intention for people to like and read. |