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Comments from Angry Ed
| Date | Story title | Comment |
|---|---|---|
| 2012-07-21 23:37:11 | I agree with the first comment. It is a good story and I also like the plot. However, it does need a lot of work. Take your time. The sheer amount of grammatical errors has become distracting and I think someones name actually changed within three paragraphs. You still have me aching for more though. Good luck. | |
| 2013-01-29 17:32:51 | Returning Chapter 01 | "A young street tough was trying to pump his self up" A person would pump himself or herself up. I only found one other but cant remember what it was. Near the end. Didn't even notice Maine... Really nice. |
| 2013-01-29 19:06:19 | Returning Chapter 02 | maybe a comma here? I'm of the: "across her back, bottom and legs" school. And to go with the 'softcore' words, I like that some of your characters don't use contractions. Its how I write when I try to sound intelligent or proper and I think it fits. "A screaming orgasm ripped her again passed out on the bed below me." could have been 'As a... she passed' or 'her again' and still nit picking i know. Really? “What happen[ed]?†It's my name I always notice. "relieve myself the[n] headed" Can you put italics or something here? “till The First Star winked out; I told them I would leave until the *first* star winked out..." still nit picking. Also same spot. would it be possible to differentiate between spoken dialog and mental? Like: or [something else] instead of "everything" ? " pistol, [h]olster, and ammo boxes." There may have been more but I ran out of chars so deal with it. Editing LOL as I go. Love it! Can't wait for the next two. (6 and |
| 2013-01-29 19:08:07 | Returning Chapter 02 | Also, sorry if someone else already said something about my corrections. I wasn't about to read through all the comments and take out what was mentioned already. I don't want to wait that long to read the next one. And sorry about the double post. |
| 2013-01-29 20:31:06 | Returning Chapter 03 | There were a few grammar issues. However, run on sentences... my gods. i also think you might be rushing it. keep to your style and elaborate. And just a little warning. Don't fall into Ka's (you know who I'm talking about) fatal flaw. Allow your main character to struggle. Even fail. We'll root even harder for him. (or her ;-) as the case may be) You can't have love without hate. And you cannot win unless you know what it is to lose. I don't feel like Rhys has lost anything yet. The Wife yeah but, we don't know what that was like. A dream sequence might solve that. (Flash back Wayen's World style) |