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Comments from Preverted1
| Date | Story title | Comment |
|---|---|---|
| 2011-06-21 02:34:18 | James' Family Awakening | A good first attempt. Some of your opening precepts are a little iffy, but the rest of the story has a flow to it that overcomes that weakness. The only way to overcome any deficiencies is to practise, practise, practise! That, and posting for feedback. Keep writing, as you have a developing talent for the craft! |
| 2011-06-23 13:55:04 | The Doctor Is In | WOW! An actual story instead of the usual "I did this, and s/he did that" descriptions. How refreshing! It's enough to inspire people to write their own ideas down and develop them into something readable! About all I'd add would be the usual "complaints" about proofreading. Having said that, your construction is still a long ways above average. For the sake of the craft, plaese, PLEASE keep at it. In this electronic age, writing is becoming a dying art. It's people like you that keep it alive! |
| 2011-06-27 13:15:58 | Incestuous Camping | Very nice presentation of a plausible incident. Some real psychological dichotomy issues opened up. Might be interesting to pursue and explore those issues - for example, the other side of her Dad's self-loathing would be Amber dealing with the sense of rejection after having had her Dad? I can see this becoming a serial subject, but it also makes a good stand-alone presentation. The soul-searching descriptions of the Dad's dilemma almost make your readers think. Good job! |
| 2011-06-29 02:45:08 | A good start to writing as a hobby. The talent is there, but it needs work -- a lot of it. For example, you bounce between past and present tenses in the first 4 paragraphs. That confuses a lot of readers. As has been pointed out, adding dialogue takes work, yet I get the feeling that your story would benefit a lot with its inclusion. It helps define the characters a little better. The resulting product will be more than worth the extra effort. Despite the minor flaws, I'd give you a positive vote, if for nothing else than you have taken the time to try and create something for other people. That takes guts! My first story scared the shit out of me when I finally posted it. So keep at it . . . and now, if you'll excuse me, I have 2 more chapters to read! |
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| 2011-06-29 15:07:31 | voyeuristic sister | Beautifully descriptive! I love the way you not only describe an action, but also the subject's reaction to that stimulus! This borders on the very edge of Erotica, a difficult platform to attain. Please continue writing. A second (and subsequent) part might be interesting, but this one will also survive as a stand-alone story. |