| 2017-09-06 20:37:04 |
Needs
|
The dialogue kept breaking the immersion. No one talks like that, and it felt so forced. It's a good story and it could have worked so well if the dialogue didn't keep getting in the way. |
| 2017-09-07 19:11:34 |
Jack's ex, Jack's slave - Chapter 1
|
This is a repost of someone else's story, The Old Ex, The New Slave by AngryYoungMan. |
| 2017-09-07 19:11:44 |
Jack's ex, Jack's slave - Chapter 1
|
This is a repost of someone else's story, The Old Ex, The New Slave by AngryYoungMan. |
| 2017-09-07 19:11:44 |
Jack's ex, Jack's slave - Chapter 1
|
This is a post of someone else's story, The Old Ex, The New Slave by AngryYoungMan. |
| 2017-09-07 19:19:21 |
Jack's ex, Jack's slave - Chapter 1
|
You are definitely not writing this, you just took out the change in perspectives. Next they go shopping at the mall, they have sex, then they go to the tattoo parlor in the third. |