| 2011-01-27 02:15:56 |
Twin Brothers... together
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Bit repetative in terms of phrasing. I would have also dropped the bracket bits, we get it, they're twins. It just made me not want to keep reading that's all. |
| 2011-01-27 02:42:35 |
Twin Brothers... together
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Grammar made me stop reading, i skimmed the rest but spelling is important if you want to engage the reader. I also found the phrasing very repetitive. Like, "“So I guess it’s a turn on to see yourself naked?” talking about Kale seeing him (his twin brother). " We get it, they're twins. And, "he took it immediately into his warm mouth. Kale instantly felt his brother’s mouth on his cock; the water being a lot cooler." Its just over explaining. Detail is good, but when you go on about stuff that you've already made clear it distracts from the story. Hope this helps. |
| 2011-01-27 02:43:13 |
Twin Brothers... together
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Grammar made me stop reading, i skimmed the rest but spelling is important if you want to engage the reader. I also found the phrasing very repetitive. Like, "“So I guess it’s a turn on to see yourself naked?” talking about Kale seeing him (his twin brother). " We get it, they're twins. And, "he took it immediately into his warm mouth. Kale instantly felt his brother’s mouth on his cock; the water being a lot cooler." Its just over explaining. Detail is good, but when you go on about stuff that you've already made clear it distracts from the story. Hope this helps. |
| 2011-01-30 07:52:58 |
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Man, reading this now i realise how shit it is. Sorry everyone, hahaa. |
| 2011-01-30 07:53:11 |
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Man, reading this now i realise how shit it is. Sorry everyone, hahaa. |